if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
