if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
