I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
