Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
