margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
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I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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