I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
