I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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