Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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