Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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