Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
