No stitches, just platelets and will power
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I booty called her while she was in labor.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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