Umm I'm too high to move.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
