About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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