I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
