ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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