the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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