he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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