I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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