Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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