My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
