so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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