woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
