is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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