Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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