I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
