i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
