I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
