Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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