I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
