Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?