i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
