I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just pee around me
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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