Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I cannot find my penis.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
