my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
