when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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