do herpes really smell.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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