i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
