and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
