Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
