Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
