Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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