Can i not drive my cunt home
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
