The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
