Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
