there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
