I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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