My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
