Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
