Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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