so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER