she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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