1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
