I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
