The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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