Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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