I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Boobs speak an international language.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
