Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
